I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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