If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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