I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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