I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
