why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
