I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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