after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
