Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
