I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
