My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
