I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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