If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
