I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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