I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
