I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
