OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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