I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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