well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
