I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
