i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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