i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You left your phone here
Wait...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
