my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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