He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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