Tell her she can't have a vagina
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
