Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
