I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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