it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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