I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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