Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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