Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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