I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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