Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
