so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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