what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
