We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
