I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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