Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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