My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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