Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
