I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
