Your tits are I can't wait for
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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