I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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