I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
