Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
