Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
