I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
