The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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