My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
