if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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