My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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